Summary
- Living Separately: Spouse behaves like a single person, excluding partner from future plans.
- Financial Independence: Making financial decisions without consulting the spouse.
- Emotional Affairs: Forming emotional connections outside the marriage.
- Lack of Emotional Response: Indifference towards spouse's potential infidelity.
- No Physical Intimacy: Absence of sexual and physical affection.
- Disrespect in Discussions: Arguments and lack of respect, especially about having children.
- Avoidance: Not interested in spending quality time together.
- Inflexibility: Lack of compromise on important issues.
- Divorce Thoughts: Frequent thoughts of divorce during conflicts.
- Disinterest in Partner's Concerns: Not wanting to hear about the spouse's issues.
- Lack of Friendship: Not feeling like friends with the spouse.
- Emotional Discomfort: Not feeling like oneself around the spouse.
- Constant Arguments: Frequent unresolved fights.
- Mutual Disrespect: Loss of respect for each other.
- Self-Doubt: Increased feelings of self-doubt due to lack of prioritization.
- Depression: Feeling depressed when thinking about the marriage.
- Work-Family Imbalance: Work and family life imbalance causing resentment.
- Secrets Revealed: Past secrets coming to light, damaging trust.
- Relief in Absence: Feeling better when the spouse is not around.
- Lack of Emotional Sharing: No sharing of feelings or emotions.
- Pervasive Negativity: Predominantly negative thoughts about the spouse.
- Thoughts of Infidelity: Considering cheating on the spouse.
- Contempt: Growing contempt and resentment towards each other.
24 Signs When You Should Give Up On A Separation
Going through a separation is one of the toughest things you can face, and it’s not always easy to know when it’s time to let go.
If you’re feeling stuck, confused, or unsure about whether to keep trying or move on, you’re in the right place.
We’ve gathered insights from some of the world’s most popular relationship books and websites to help you figure out if you should stay or go.
In this article, we’ll explore 24 clear signs that it might be time to give up on a separation and consider moving forward. Whether you’re struggling with ongoing conflict, emotional distance, or other serious issues, these signs will let you know if it’s time to let go.
Negative Signs During Separation
Related Article: 10 Ways To Find Out If My Husband Is Cheating
1. Your Partner Is Living Like A Single Person
If your spouse is living the single life and enjoying it, that’s a clear sign that it’s best to end your marriage.
As one of the oldest sayings goes, “Nothing good happens after midnight”.
We understand that you want to do anything you can to save your marriage, but if your partner doesn’t want to live like a married person, then it might not work no matter what you do.
Here are some of the single life behaviors you need to watch out for:
- Your spouse often visits bars or clubs alone.
- They plan outings without including you, mimicking single behavior.
- Socializing primarily with single friends, neglecting joint friends.
If you’re noticing these behaviors, address them immediately.
Start by having an honest and open conversation with your spouse about what you’ve observed and how you’re feeling.
It’s not always easy, but talking things through can make a big difference. You might also find it helpful to check out a book like Marriage in Modern Life by Dr. Anne Brennan.
It offers great insights into the challenges couples face today, especially when one partner starts to act more like they’re single than married. If you’re looking for more personalized help, marital counseling can be a great option. It gives you both a safe space to share your concerns and work together towards a solution.
2. Your Spouse Is Not Involved In Future Plans
If you sit and picture how your life will be in ten or twenty years and your spouse isn’t there, it is an indication that your marriage is in trouble.
When a wife or husband starts making plans that don’t include each other, it’s a major red flag that the separation could be heading towards something more permanent.
You can read more about the importance of joint planning here.
Indicators of Disconnection in Future Planning:
- Envisioning long-term future scenarios without your spouse.
- Your spouse makes significant plans or decisions solo.
- Joint dreams or goals are no longer discussed or prioritized.
If you’re noticing that you and your spouse aren’t planning the future together, it’s time to take action. Communication is key. Start by talking about your own vision for the future and ask your spouse about theirs. It’s important to understand where each of you is coming from and what you both want.
You might find “The Five Love Languages” by Dr. Gary Chapman helpful.
This book helps you understand how people show and feel love differently. That could be a big help when it comes to getting on the same page with your plans and dreams.
If you’re finding that you and your spouse are drifting apart in your future planning, it might be a good idea to talk to a marriage counselor. They can help you both reconnect and find common ground to move forward together.
3. Financial Decisions Are Made Without Talking With Your Spouse
If you or your spouse are making big financial choices without talking it over first, it might be a sign that your marriage is in a tough spot. Married life isn’t always easy, and keeping money matters secret can make it even harder.
Signs of Financial Independence in Marriage:
- Making significant purchases without discussing them together.
- Opening separate bank accounts or making investments on your own.
- Hiding or not sharing financial information with each other.
When one partner starts keeping financial secrets or making decisions alone, it usually points to a deeper problem. It’s important to tackle this by having open and honest conversations about your finances. Talk about how this independence affects your relationship and share your concerns.
A great resource to help with this is The Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey.
This book offers practical advice on managing money as a team and encourages transparency and joint decision-making. If money issues are causing tension in your marriage, you might want to consider financial counseling. A financial counselor can help you both understand the importance of working together on financial matters, which can help strengthen your marriage.
4. Someone Is Having An Emotional Affair
If either of you is having an emotional affair, it's a really bad sign. You shouldn’t give up yet, but it’s a major red flag that you need to fix your issues ASAP.
An emotional affair is when you frequently text with or meet another person, but nothing physical happens. Either spouse may consider this cheating.
If either partner feels better talking to another man or woman than their spouse, then the marriage is most likely doomed to fail.
An emotional affair is not one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse according to Gottman, but it sure as shit is not a good sign for your marriage!
Signs of an Emotional Affair During Separation:
- Frequent, secretive communication with someone outside the marriage.
- Preferring to share personal thoughts with someone else, not the spouse.
- Emotional intimacy with another person, diminishing the bond with the spouse.
If you or your spouse are getting too close to someone else, it’s important to deal with it right away. Start by thinking about what’s missing in your marriage that’s leading one of you to look elsewhere.
Here’s a good book to read that might help: “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by John Gottman.
It offers insights into maintaining emotional fidelity and strengthening marital bonds. Consider seeking couples therapy to explore and resolve underlying issues contributing to the emotional affair.
5. You’re Not Hurt Thinking Of Your Spouse With Someone Else
If you’re not hurt by the idea of your spouse being with someone else, it’s a serious sign your marriage might be over.
When the thought of them being intimate with someone else doesn’t upset you, it’s a clear indication that your emotional connection may have faded, and your marriage could be coming to an end.
Signs of Emotional Detachment During Separation:
- Indifference to the idea of your spouse being romantically involved with someone else.
- Feeling only platonic care, without romantic love, for your spouse.
- Lack of jealousy or hurt when imagining your spouse with mutual friends or others.
Feeling indifferent about your spouse’s potential intimacy with others often indicates a significant shift in the emotional aspect of your marriage. Reflect on what these feelings mean for you and your relationship. For guidance, consider “Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love” by Dr. Sue Johnson. This book can help you understand the emotional bonds in relationships and how they evolve.
6. There Is No Physical Intimacy
Sex and other forms of physical intimacy are the foundation of a healthy marriage. If you and your husband haven’t engaged in any sexual activity for several months or perhaps years, your marriage is likely over. The Awareness Centre has said one of the main warning signs for your marriage is a lack of intimacy.
Key Signs of a Lack of Physical Intimacy During Separation:
- Absence of sexual activity for months or even years.
- Little to no physical affection like hugging, kissing, or holding hands.
- Avoidance of close physical proximity or touch with your spouse.
The absence of physical intimacy is a significant negative sign during separation, and it’s indicative of deeper problems in your marriage.
We suggest you pick up “The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido” by Michele Weiner Davis. Here you’ll find strategies for rekindling physical intimacy. But if it doesn’t work, it’s time to move on.
7. Lack Of Respect When Discussing Having (More) Children
If you’re not on the same page about having kids, that’s a big deal. It’s really important to talk openly about what each of you wants for the future.
At the very least, respect each other’s feelings about having kids and try to find some common ground.
But if every time the topic comes up it turns into a heated argument, that’s a serious sign that your marriage might be in trouble.
Signs of Disrespect in Conversations About Children During Separation:
- Regular heated arguments when the topic of having children arises.
- Dismissal or belittling of each other’s desires regarding children.
- Inability to find common ground or compromise on this topic.
Disrespect in conversations about children points to deeper issues in communication and mutual understanding.
Our favorite book on this topic is “Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life” by Marshall B. Rosenberg. It provides guidance on empathetic and respectful communication, which is vital in sensitive discussions like family planning.
8. You Don’t Care To Spend Quality Time With Your Spouse
Is date night no longer a thing in your life?
Choosing to avoid your partner rather than spending quality one-on-one time shows that you no longer value their company. Translation: your marriage is in trouble.
Signs of Avoiding Quality Time During Separation:
- Regularly skipping opportunities for date nights or one-on-one time.
- Preferring to spend time alone or with others over your spouse.
- Lack of interest in activities you both previously enjoyed together.
Preferring to spend time alone or with others shows dwindling of the emotional connection that binds a marriage.
“The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships” by John Gottman has a ton of practical advice on rebuilding and maintaining strong, meaningful connections in relationships. We highly recommend you take a look.
Reinvesting in quality time together is one of the best things you could ever do for your partnership. Consider scheduling regular date nights or engaging in activities that both of you enjoy. If you can’t, then the marriage won’t last much longer.
9. There Is A Lack Of Compromise
Marriage requires compromise: Period.
If you can’t ever find common ground in challenging circumstances, it could be time to think about moving on from your relationship.
Here’s why: A healthy relationship relies on both partners being willing to meet in the middle, so that both feel valued and understood. Without compromise, it’s hard to build the mutual respect and cooperation that a strong relationship needs to thrive.
Signs of Unwillingness to Compromise During Separation:
- Repeated failure to find middle ground on important issues.
- Avoidance of discussions that require mutual concession.
- Persistent insistence on personal preferences, disregarding your spouse’s views.
When compromise is missing, it usually means there’s been a breakdown in understanding and working together. If you want the marriage to work, both of you need to recognize that give-and-take is essential in a healthy relationship. A great resource that might help is Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In by Roger Fisher and William Ury.
10. You Think About Divorce When Upset With Your Spouse
When you’re upset with your spouse, do thoughts of divorce often cross your mind?
If so, that’s a sign that your marriage is heading in the wrong direction.
If divorce comes up as a solution every time you argue, take it seriously. It usually means reconciliation after separation is unrealistic.
Think about it—if you’re often thinking about ending the relationship, it’s usually more than just a passing thought.
These feelings often point to deeper issues that haven’t been resolved.
This pattern can show that the foundation of your relationship isn’t as strong as you thought. It’s important to see these moments for what they are—not just reactions in the heat of the moment, but signals of your true feelings and the state of your relationship.
Signs of Considering Divorce as a Solution During Separation:
- Divorce crosses your mind often during arguments.
- Viewing divorce as a go-to solution in conflicts.
- The idea of divorce feels more realistic than reconciliation.
We suggest you read “Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay” by Mira Kirshenbaum. Kirshenbaum walks you through how to figure out if your thoughts are “normal thoughts” or if they are signs you should break up for good.
Long story short: If contemplating divorce has become a pattern, it’s time for serious introspection
11. You Don’t Want To Hear What Is Bothering Your Spouse
If you find yourself not wanting to hear what’s bothering your spouse, it’s a clear sign that something is seriously wrong in your marriage.
This reluctance often means that you’ve emotionally checked out of the relationship, and it shows a lack of empathy and interest in your partner’s feelings.
For example, if your spouse tries to talk to you about feeling neglected or overwhelmed, and you brush them off or avoid the conversation, it sends a message that their feelings don’t matter. Over time, this behavior can erode the trust and connection that’s essential for a healthy marriage.
For more insight on this, you might want to check out The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman. You’ll learn valuable tools to improve your listening and communication skills, which can help you and your spouse reconnect. It’s designed to help you address issues head-on, so you can prevent them from causing deeper, lasting damage to your relationship.
12. You And Your Spouse Are Not Friends
If you and your spouse aren’t friends, it’s a red flag.
Remember, successful marriages thrive on strong emotional connections. A lack of emotional closeness? That’s a clear sign your marriage might be in trouble.
Here are some warning signs to look out for:
- You don’t do anything together anymore
- You no longer laugh or have fun
- You confide in others
- You’re always arguing
- You don’t share goals or dreams anymore
Think about it: friendship forms the bedrock of intimacy in marriage. Without it, the emotional bond weakens significantly.
If you’re noticing any of these signs, have a face-to-face chat with your spouse and find out if you really want to be together. Start doing things together. Take it slow and go with the flow. If it’s not working out, cut the cord.
13. You Don’t Feel Like Yourself With Your Spouse
If your spouse no longer believes in what you stand for or doesn’t share your values, you might find yourself holding back or not acting like your true self around them.
That’s definitely not a good sign for the future of your marriage.
You should never feel like you’re walking on eggshells in your own marriage—you should always feel comfortable being yourself with your partner.
Here are a few negative signs that you’re not being your true self:
- You often hold back your opinions or feelings to avoid conflict.
- You don’t express your true thoughts or personality when you’re together.
- You avoid certain topics because you fear judgment or disagreement.
- You notice that you’re more comfortable being yourself around friends or family than with your spouse.
- You find yourself pretending to agree with things just to keep the peace.
- You feel like you’ve lost a sense of who you are in the relationship.
It’s normal for couples to have different personalities, but a strong marriage means embracing those differences and letting each other be who you really are. If you notice any of these signs above, get out while you still can.
14. There Are More Arguments And Fights
If arguments are becoming more frequent and intense, it’s a sign that something deeper might be going on in your marriage - and it’s outright dangerous.
Fights that used to be about small things now seem to escalate quickly, and it feels like nothing ever really gets resolved. Instead of moving forward, you might find yourselves stuck in a cycle of tension and resentment.
If you or your spouse are bringing up old issues instead of focusing on the present, it’s a clear sign that past wounds are still festering. This can leave you feeling drained and distant, and might even make you want to avoid certain topics just to keep the peace—though that often creates more distance between you.
Our advice?
Take a step back and reflect on what’s causing these conflicts.
Are there deeper, unresolved issues that need addressing? Having a calm and honest conversation with your spouse about how these arguments are affecting your relationship can be a good start. Sometimes, seeking the help of a marriage counselor can provide the tools you need to communicate better and resolve disagreements in a healthier way.
15. People In The Relationship Lack Respect For One Another
Mutual respect is essential in any successful marriage.
If you find yourself unable to respect your partner’s views or them as a person, it’s a strong sign that your marriage is in serious trouble. Lack of respect is a fundamental issue that can break the foundation of your relationship.
Take a moment to think about how you view your spouse.
Do you truly value their opinions and respect them as an individual? If the answer is no, that’s a major red flag.
Here are some signs that one person in the relationship lacks respect for the other:
- Constant criticism
- Ignoring boundaries
- Dismissive attitude
- Interrupting/talking over
- Lack of support
- Public embarrassment
- Refusing to compromise
- Controlling behavior
- Not listening
- Undermining decisions
Struggling to find respect for your partner is a clear indication that deeper issues are at play, and it suggests that the relationship may be in jeopardy.
Here are some helpful tips from VeryWellMind on what to do when your spouse doesn’t respect you.
16. Increased Feelings Of Self-Doubt
If your spouse has stopped prioritizing you or doesn’t seem to value you anymore, it’s easy to start doubting yourself. If you’re not able or willing to work through these issues, it could mean the end of your relationship.
Remember, you’ve got to take care of yourself first. If you’re not taking care of your own well-being, it’s going to be hard to take care of your marriage. Focus on improving your mental, physical, and spiritual health—it’s the best way to stay strong, whether you’re working on your marriage or moving forward on your own.
Action Step: Spend the next week or two doing some things you love on your own and mix in some exercise like walking or light jogging. See how you feel then.
17. You Feel Depressed Thinking About The Marriage
If you feel down or depressed every time you think about your marriage, it’s a big sign that something’s not right.
You might notice that you’re constantly sad, dread spending time with your spouse, or feel stuck with no hope for the future. You might also lose interest in things you used to enjoy doing together, and your overall mental and emotional health could be taking a hit.
These feelings aren’t just a rough patch—they’re a sign that the relationship might be doing more harm than good.
This could mean that staying in the marriage is making things worse for both of you. Separating now might be the best move, because it’ll give both of you a chance to heal and find happiness again, rather than staying in a situation that’s only bringing you down.
18. Work & Family Imbalance
Making enough money to provide for a family is tough, and it often comes with a heavy imbalance between work and home life.
When one person is focused on providing, it can lead to marriage issues, especially if the other feels neglected.
This kind of neglect, even if it’s well-intentioned, can create a lack of empathy, understanding, and respect for each other’s needs.
Over time, this imbalance can cause resentment to build up, with one person feeling unappreciated and the other feeling misunderstood.
It’s important to recognize that both partners’ contributions—whether financial or emotional—are valuable, and finding a balance is key to keeping resentment from taking over. If not addressed, this inequality can seriously damage the relationship, making it hard to reconnect and feel like a team again.
19. Past Secrets Start Coming Out
Have you ever been in a heated argument with your husband and suddenly learned something you never knew?
Or maybe your wife is trying to reconcile but admitted to sending photos to someone else during your marriage?
When big secrets like these come out—whether it’s about being in love with someone else or something like your spouse being bisexual—it might be a sign that it’s time to consider going your separate ways.
We know it’s tempting to want to “let it slide” or think “it was just a one-time thing”. But if things like this keep popping up regularly, it’s a sign that neither of you are fulfilled in your marriage.
Translation: It’s time to go your separate ways, so you don’t waste more time.
20. You Feel Good (When Your Spouse Is Not Around)
Another indication that your marriage is finished is if you always feel like yourself and are content when your partner isn’t there.
Spending time alone is good for your mental health, and even better if there are signs she misses you when you are gone.
But if you always feel good when your spouse is not there, then it’s a sign you don’t want them there at all.
Action Step: Go spend a few days alone doing things you enjoy. Do you think about your partner? Do you miss them? Or are you happy just to be alone? This is a sign it’s time to separate and live the single life again.
21. There Is A Lack Of Sharing Of Feelings & Emotions
Sharing your feelings and emotions is what helps you stay connected and close in a relationship.
It’s about being open with each other, talking about your day, your dreams, and even your worries.
But when that sharing stops, it’s a sign that the emotional bond might be fading.
If you or your spouse no longer feel willing to exchange thoughts, feelings, or even the small joys of life, it can create a deep divide.
This lack of emotional sharing can make you feel more like roommates than partners, and if it continues, it might be a sign that the marriage is coming to an end. Rebuilding that connection is essential, but if there’s no effort on either side, it might be time to consider moving on.
22. Negativity Is Everywhere
When negativity starts to take over your thoughts and feelings about your spouse and your marriage, it’s a serious issue. If you notice that your attitude has shifted and you’re mostly seeing the bad side of things, it means trouble.
Take a moment to think about how you view your spouse. Are most of your thoughts negative? If you’re finding it hard to see anything positive, this isn’t just a rough patch—it’s a sign of something deeper going on. Constantly focusing on flaws and issues is a red flag that can’t be ignored.
It’s really important to confront this negativity head-on. If you’re struggling to find the good in your relationship, it’s time to take a hard, honest look at what’s going on. Recognize this as a pivotal moment in your marriage and consider what steps you need to take next.
23. You Think About Cheating On Your Spouse
Are you thinking about cheating? Not just as a fantasy, but like seriously considering doing it?
Everyone has random thoughts or fantasies, but that doesn’t mean they want them to happen. But if you do, then chances are it’s over.
Thoughts like daydreaming about being single or considering rebound relationships often signal that a divorce might be on the horizon.
Ask yourself why these thoughts keep coming up. Are they just passing, or do they stick around? If you’re often fantasizing about infidelity, it’s a sign that you’re deeply unhappy in your marriage. Imagining life without your spouse is a serious concern that shouldn’t be ignored.
We suggest doing some soul searching here. Why are you having these thoughts? Is it lack of intimacy? Is it lack of caring? Do you feel like there’s a part of you that is unfulfilled and you regret it?
Once you figure out what’s really going on beneath the hood, you’ll know whether you can fix your relationship or if it’s time to separate for good.
24. Contempt For Each Other Looms Large
Resentment can quickly turn into contempt, and when that happens, it’s often a sign that the relationship is really in trouble. If you and your spouse are constantly feeling negative towards each other, it’s game over unless you put in serious work.
Contempt chips away at the foundation of your marriage, and that growing bitterness is a pretty clear sign that things might be headed in the wrong direction.
If you’re regularly feeling disdain for each other, it might be time to take a hard look at where your relationship is going and whether it’s something you can work through. Couples therapy is a great start, but even just a deep, heart-to-heart talk could really help.
What Not To Do When You Are Separated
The last thing you want to do is take everything you read online as the absolute truth when it comes to relationship advice.
Remember, your friends and family aren’t marriage counselors, and the stuff you find online isn’t always checked by experts. Separation and divorce are huge decisions with big consequences, so get advice from someone who’s qualified and knows what they’re talking about.
If saving your marriage is a priority, seek help immediately.
Therapists will help you work through your marriage issues by digging into the root causes of those problems.
Whether it’s understanding personality differences or unpacking past experiences that have shaped your relationship, a professional can offer the kind of insight and guidance that friends, family, or the internet just can’t provide.
Some images in this article, “Negative Signs During Separation” were created with AI to enhance the reader experience